Monday, 21 January 2013

From Another's Eyes

Do you ever wonder what you look like from another persons perspective? Not just physically but how they see you as a person as well? I do, all the time.

Everyone judges other people, I'm not a very judgemental person at all but even I make assumptions about people, everyone does it! Whether it's things like seeing someone getting into a Mercedes car and assuming they must have loads of money, but how do you know that car wasn't a gift from someone? How do you know it's even their car? Or seeing someone who's overweight and assuming they eat lots and don't exercise, that person could have a health problem that causes them to be overweight. Or hearing someone's a vegetarian and instantly thinking they are some hippie tree hugger, that one gets on my nerves, lots of people are vegetarians, whether it's for diet reasons or simply because they love animals and care about them, so they don't want to eat their dead bodies. Or hearing someone who speaks quite poshly and assuming they are a snooty, pompous person, a lot of the time that isn't the case!

So, if people make assumptions like that all the time about other people I started to wonder what assumptions people made about me. So I tried to look at myself in different situations I am in quite regularly and try to work out what people may think of me.

The first situation I put myself in was when I go to my dad's work and meet everyone there, I talk to them about things, whether it's work, education, what I've been up to lately or about my dad. I think, well I know because loads of people have told me this, I come across very confident and charming. Well...I am one of the least confident people you could ever meet! If people think I am very confident and could do more or less anything they are very wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am able to talk to people and order things in cafes/restaurants, buy cinema tickets, etc, but all the time I am doing that I am panicking inside, my chest goes all tight when I buy things in shops for example, from the anxiety. I could never wear clothes that expose myself too much, and I don't like loads of people's attention being on me because I freak out and assume they are thinking the worst about the way I look (I guess that stems from the bullying I had, especially one time when I wore a pretty dress to the school disco, I was in year 5 I think, and everyone in my class made fun of me, called me names the entire evening, that was enough to put me off pretty dresses for life).

Also something they might think, as well as probably a lot of people who know me, including extended family like aunties, uncles, cousins, etc, is that I am lazy because I quit college and haven't gone back.
This couldn't be further from the truth! I started college at the beginning of September 2011, I was so nervous on one of the induction days I actually couldn't go in, I freaked out big time. But I overcame that and started there. I am quite a shy person and try and stay out of peoples way, so find it quite hard making new friends. I felt extremely lonely, people were far from friendly at the college and I felt very out of place. At lunch times if I couldn't find someone I knew from school there I used to have to sit by myself to eat, I normally did this off the college grounds so people didn't think I was quite so sad! Then things got worse and I started panicking in class, I used to try and breathe slowly to calm myself down. One day I was feeling like that and then a group of bitchy girls started laughing at me, for what I have NO idea, or maybe I was just being paranoid, although I'm sure I wasn't. And then I felt the tears coming, which made me panic even more, thankfully the class was about to end, and as soon as it did I ran to the toilets and cried and cried and had a full on panic attack. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop it, it was so scary and I didn't know what to do. This all happened because now every time I am in a school environment it just brings back  memories of the terrible bullying in school, which I talked about in a previous post. I tried to overcome it, I spoke to someone who was in charge of helping students with problems and she was lovely, and said I could do 1 subject a week until I felt more confident, and I had exams coming up so she said I could do those in her office and if I ever needed to leave the lesson I could and I should come and have a cup of tea and a chat with her whenever I needed it. I thought this would help, and it did work for the first couple of days, but then one day, I don't know why, I think maybe it was because it was coming up to the time when I had to take 2 lessons, I properly freaked out. I had another panic attack, hid in the loos and cried and cried, I rang my mum and she said she'd come and get me if I wanted, so I got out of the college and went home. I couldn't face going back. The thought terrifies me, the thought of going to any college makes me want to cry. I was truly miserable there, and there's no way I could have gone on like that.
So, for people thinking I dropped out because I 'couldn't be bothered', now you know that's not the case. I may even be doing my A-Levels from home this year instead!

Sometimes, I am sure people think I have lots of money. If you were to see the house I live in, or the holiday I had the other year, or that I have 2 cars, or that we just got our kitchen completely re-done, you might think we are quite well of. But no.
We are by no means poverty stricken, and we are so rich compared to a lot of the people in the world, but we definitely don't have lots of money. The house we live in comes with my dads job - we didn't buy it, also we get free decorating (that's why we got the kitchen, it wasn't down to us). We also had our holiday payed for by someone very generous, and our car bought for us by another lovely person.
We are extremely lucky that we have these things, and that people are so generous to us.
It just annoys me when a lot of people seem to think I have money coming out for my ears.

I get called boring by people sometimes, and you know why? It's because my ideal night is a night in cuddled up with my doggy, watching a film and drinking a latte. I don't like getting drunk, I don't like the thought of clubs very much, I don't see the attraction of those insane holidays in Malia or wherever.
I don't think this makes me boring, I think this just makes me more mature than a lot of people my age. I have more self respect and think more sensibly. My sister actually said to me the other night "Amelia, I'm sure you're 10 years older than you really are".
I personally don't see what's wrong with liking reading, or blogging, or walking my dogs, etc. It isn't hurting anyone else, so why call me boring for it? Everyone likes different things, it would be a boring and a messed up world if everyone was the same.
I love gigs though, I adore the atmosphere and the live music. I'm not some 80 year old pensioner!

People tend to assume things about my health as well. Someone said to me the other day "what I have is worse than what you have"....they don't even know what is wrong with me. Okay, so what they have may have been cancer or something, which is worse than me, but they didn't, they had body spasms or something. For all they know I could have had a brain tumour and they were saying their body spasms were worse. I know 'other peoples problems don't make yours any easier', but it just really wound me up! I don't have a brain tumour, just so you know, but for all that person knows I could have.
Don't assume anything about me when you don't know :)

People will always judge you, people will always assume things about you, but who cares? They don't know you. All you need is to be yourself, don't try and be somebody you aren't, that's no way to live....and often the person you try and be is a worse person than the true you.

What assumptions do you think people make about you?



  1. reading this genuinely upset me a little bit. I would consider myself quite a judgemental person, and you're so right. I shouldn't be. I respect you so much for posting this (and for all your twitter updates) lots of love xxx

    1. Sorry if it upset you, but I guess in a way that's good, if it gets my point across! Thankyou so much xxxx

    2. no don't be sorry! hey would you mind following me on twitter? mines @billie_robinson xxxx


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